


mockingbird

by brokenglass



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: F/M, M/M, Mpreg
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-11-21
Updated: 2012-12-22
Packaged: 2017-11-19 05:31:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 17,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/569632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brokenglass/pseuds/brokenglass
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>zayn always thought that he and liam would be together for a long, long time. but, obviously liam had other ideas when one night he just disappears without warning. </p><p>eight years later, when zayn's raised his and liam's child. liam's back, and he's not alone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

— 

**Hey, what did daddy always tell you?**  
 **Straighten up little soldier,**  
 **Stiffen up that upper lip,**  
 **What you crying about? You got me**

—  

_“Li, stop, that tickles” Zayn giggles as Liam’s fingers dance around his hip bones._

_“I love you Zee” Liam whispers, his warm breath swirling around Zayn’s ear as he relaxes back into the arms of the one he loves so much._

_“I love you too Li-Li” Zayn whispers, “I love you forever”_

_—_

It’s the crying that wakes Zayn, he’s almost thankful. Doesn’t want the memories to come back to him, he’s already hid most of them into a small dark place at the back of his mind. He’s up and walking towards Leila’s room before she can wake Harry, Louis or Darcy in the next room. Leila’s sitting up in her pink princess bed, her cheeks tear stained with her thumb in her mouth, it breaks Zayn’s heart to see his little soldier crying, because she’s strong. So, so strong, stronger than anyone Zayn knows. She takes the words people throw at her at school, telling her that her daddy likes boys, and that daddy doesn’t want her because her other daddy ran away from them. But she’s daddy’s little soldier, and she picks herself up, brushes away the dirt and smiles that signature smile and everything seems ok again, even though Zayn knows inside all she wants to do is cry, because that’s all he wants to do. 

It isn’t her fault that she didn’t have two daddy’s like she’s supposed to, Liam didn’t know about her before he disappeared. 

Leila turned seven two months ago, meaning Liam’s been gone for eight years. It still puzzles Zayn, even Harry, Louis and Niall as to why Liam just vanished from the face of the earth. No warning, Zayn just woke up one morning to find the space in the bed next to him vacant, called his mobile to find it dissconected, looked everywhere for him, called his parents, they had no clue either. 

“Shh, Lei, whats wrong?” he lays down next to her on her bed and she curls herself into him. 

“Daddy, tell me about daddy” the words are somewhat muffled around her thumb but they’re almost demanding. 

“Lei, we’ve talked about—” 

“Please daddy. You always say we shouldn’t forget him, but I don’t know him enough to remember him” Zayn is almost shocked, looking down at the seven year old. She’s got a good head on her shoulders, she remembers things, she’s almost to old for herself. 

“Well, daddy’s name was Liam. And he was the nicest guy God ever put on this earth, he had the sweetest voice. He would have loved you, took you to the park all the time, bought you gifts, daddy would be proud of you” There’s a lot more he could say, he could tell her that his eyes are one of a kind, and looking into them is like swimming in chocolate, his hair is soft and it feels like heaven to run your fingers through, how the simplest of words sound complicated coming from his lips, and his lips, they’re like gold dust. 

But he holds back, there isn’t a point telling her. He’s almost forgot what it feels like, what it feels like to be his arms, have him be there when he wakes up. He can feel everything slowly fading, for it soon to have disappeared for ever.

“Do you love daddy?” Zayn thinks for a second or too, not because he is unsure of the answer, he is very sure about the answer, its just. Is he still allowed to love someone so far away? Someone so far from his reality he can’t even be considered real? 

“Yes, Lei, I do” He says, “very much so. And I love you too. I love you too the end of the world and back, little soldier” 

“Love you too daddy” he lets the words echo around his mind,  _‘do you love daddy?’_ there wasn’t a question he knew the answer to more than that, of course he loves Liam. But, the love doesn’t fill the hole in his heart, doesn’t make up for the fact that Liam left, without a goodbye, without anything. His clothes were still in the wardrobe, shoes on the rack, light up toothbrush still in the washroom. 

It took everyone a lot of convincing that he’d actually gone missing, and that he hadn’t just gone for a run. Took Zayn a whole year, endless nights of waiting for the door to open, for Liam to tip-toe over to the bed and curl himself next to Zayn and tell him he was sorry for leaving, but he really does love him and will never leave again. But it never happened, and Harry, Louis and Niall helped Zayn raise their child, the child Liam still has no idea about. 

He stays next to Leila all night, letting her soft breaths that sound scarily like Liam’s lull him into a dreamless sleep. 

—

**We’re all we got in this world,**  
 **When it spins, when it swirls**  
 **When it whirls, when it twirls**  
 **Two little beautiful girls,**  
 **Looking puzzled, in a daze**

**—**

Zayn swirls the spoon around in his tea, watching the strands of milk dissolve into the murky brown colour in his mug, well, Liam’s mug. Its the usual morning routine in the Stylinson-Malik household. Darcy - Harry and Louis’ five year old, rocket fueled daughter - and Leila are running around at top speed playing whatever game they’ve invented, Harry and Louis are trying to catch Darcy so that she can put her socks on, because like her father, she really doesn’t like wearing socks. 

As usual they all end up on the floor in a heap, laughing in a tangle of limbs and fairy wings. It takes all three, plus Leila to put on Darcy’s socks and they’re five minutes late but she’s a Stylinson, so nobody bats and eyelid. 

Zayn wonders back to last night, when Leila asked him to tell her about Liam. She’s always been a little curious about him, but she’d always asked Uncle Harry, or Uncle Louis. He glances at the clock and pulls himself up the stairs to get ready for work. 

There’s no such thing as One Direction anymore, there couldn’t be without Liam. Without Daddy Direction. So, the band stopped, but the boys didn’t part. They reinforced themselves and carried on living life like any normal person should. It took a few years for the hype to die down, but they can now walk around without getting attacked by paparazzi or fans, because most people have forgot who they are. They get the odd look when they’re out and about, especially Zayn when he’s with Leila, because there’s still a buzz to where Liam is. 

He works over the road in a book store, either he works the tills or stacks the shelves with books. It isn’t a bad job, because if there’s faulty stock, Paul lets him take them home for Leila, Darcy and sometimes the older ones for himself. 

Slipping on his polo shirt and jeans he lets a few memories slip from that dark place in the back of his mind, the times he and Liam made love, accidentally making one of the best things to ever happen to Zayn, the kisses, the fights, it all reminds him that he’s in love with one person and that will never change. 

Zayn locks up the apartment and slips over the road to the book shop, he likes the smell the shop has. It’s the crispness of the pages that lingers in the air, like he can almost feel all of the words tumbling around him. Before everything, his life used to be like a book. He was famous, Zayn Malik was famous in one of the biggest boy bands that just seemed to get success rained on them like water. But then it changed, and maybe he doesn’t mind that change. Because he has one of the most beautiful little girls he could ever want, and three amazing best friends, and god-daughter that just seem to brighten even the darkest situations. 

He pins on his name tag and stands at the till, there’s only a few customers milling around, picking up books, putting them down, flicking through pages. He scans the books that come his way and he fakes a smile, he isn’t feeling very sociable today. He’s got this feeling in his gut, eating away at him but he doesn’t know what it is. The store goes quiet and he leaves the till with Paul so he can rearrange books and stack up the new stock. It’s when he’s on the step ladders near the window when he see’s the mass of curly hair. It doesn’t register at first, but he does a double take and yes that is who he thinks it is. But she’s alone, well, alone as she can be with a small child with ash blonde hair clinging to her hand. It almost makes him fall from the step ladders, but she’s gone by the time he steadies himself. 

“Zayn, Leila’s school’s on the phone” Paul shouts across the empty shop, the feeling Zayn’s got in his gut twists and he knows something bad has happened, the school only ever calls work if there’s something really wrong. He slides down the ladder and quickly crosses the room towards the phone Paul’s holding out to him, 

“Hello Zayn Malik speaking” 

“Hello there Mr. Malik, sorry to bother you while you’re at work but there’s been some bother involving Leila, would you please come and collect her?” The information doesn’t process in Zayn’s mind before he’s mumbling about being on his way and shouting to Paul he’ll make up the time when he can, he’s pulling on his coat as he sprints towards the school, what bother could Leila gotten into? She’s a seven year old girl with the heart of an angel. He can hear his feet pounding against the slabs beneath him, his heart thumping in his ears. 

He slips through the school gates and makes his way towards Lelia’s class. He hears the loud chatter of children, but he hasn’t caught onto the frequency of Leila’s voice and it makes him feel worse. Zayn wraps his knuckles on the door and waits a few moments before the short, blonde haired teacher opens the door, the smile tugging at her red lips, but it doesn’t quite reach her eyes. She calls Leila and the dark haired girl came running over, Zayn scooping her up into his arms. Her face looking horribly similar to the night before, tear stain and pain ridden. 

“What happened?” 

“We were doing a music project, and I hadn’t put the project together and I didn’t see until it came up that you guys where one of the topics and well some things were said and Lelia got very upset about it” She offers him a sympathetic smile. Zayn feels his inside churn with anger, but he pushes it down and thanks the teacher for calling and carries Leila away from the school in his arms. 

“We’re gonna go to Tesco, and get film and some snacks and then we’ll go get some ice cream before we go back and watch the film, how does that sound?” Leila nods enthusiastically and a smile creeps back onto Zayn’s face. 

—

**Now hush little baby don’t you cry**  
 **Everything’s gonna be alright**  
 **Stiffen up that upper lip little lady, I told ya**  
 **Daddy’s here to hold ya through the night**

—  

Leila clutches onto Zayn’s hand as they breeze through the isles of tesco, the basket filled with popcorn, jelly snakes and fizzy pop. 

“I think we should watch Bambi” 

“Leila, you and Uncle Niall watched that the other day and you wouldn’t stop crying, neither did Uncle Niall, so lets pick a happy film” Leila nods and runs ahead to scour the DVD section, Zayn’s looking too, or rather avoiding anything with the words ‘Toy’ and ‘Story’ in it because it still makes his heart beat faster than it should. He’s reading the back of some children’s film about a zombie Apocalypse when Leila starts tugging on his sleeve impatiently. 

“Daddy! I’ve seen daddy!” She half whisper shouts, and Zayn almost has to choke back a laugh.

“Leila what are you talking about you can’t have seen daddy, I told you—”

“Look!” Leila points down the isle towards a tall figure with cropped brown hair and Zayn’s whole body freezes and his heart almost falls out of his mouth because his seven year old is right, standing not even 20ft away from them is Liam Payne, with the Toy Story box set in his hands. 

The first thing Zayn wants to do is scoop Leila into his arms and run away from him before he even knows they were there but he’s too late. 

“Z-Zayn?” Zayn swallows down the lump of words that is forming in his throat, he wants to do so many things, kiss him, tell him how much he hates him for leaving, tell him how much he loves him. But his body wont move and his mind wont function. 

Leila’s holding herself behind Zayn’s leg, the confidence having drained out of her seeing her daddy face to face. 

“What are you doing here?” is the first thing that comes from Zayn’s lips, and it almost breaks his own heart if it can be broken anymore. 

“What-what do you mean?” Liam stutters. 

“What are you doing here in London, Liam? After eight years you suddenly just appear in tesco like everything is normal?” 

“I can explain, please?” Zayn can feel himself breaking, there’s still his little girl holding onto his leg for dear life, so he pulls out his phone and calls Niall, telling him to come and pick Leila up from tesco’s and that he’ll explain everything later. 

“Meet me in the cafe across the road in ten minutes” Its not much of a sentence but Zayn leaves it with Liam and tucks Leila under his arm and pays for the items in his basket, still not having chose a film. Niall comes to collect Leila and Zayn makes  his way over to the cafe, his hands are shaking and a sweaty film has appeared on his palms. His mind is whizzing around, he doesn’t quite believe it. Liam. Liam James Payne is in London. He sits down at an empty table, watching the door. 

He doesn’t think Liam will come, but he does. And when he sits down, it takes them a few minutes before one of them talks. 

“Why’d you leave?” It’s simple, but its the only question Zayn can think of right now. 

“I-I dont know. I just, I loved you, but I loved Danielle too and I just- We were never going to work Zayn, in front of so many people? We already got attacked on a daily basis, I didn’t want that for you!” 

“So running away without telling a sole, even your parents where you were? You just left without- Liam everything fell apart when you left, no more One Direction, no more nothing!” 

“No more nothing, you have a daughter and no doubt a beautiful wife or girlfriend-” Liam’s cut off by Zayn laughing, Liam’s still the oblivious one Zayn thinks. 

“She’s yours Liam” its barely audible, but Liam hears, hears loud and clear. 

“E-Excuse me?” 

“Can’t you tell? She’s yours, 100% yours. She’s seven years old and you walked out before I could even tell you! She goes through shit every day because she a, has two dads and b, because one of them run off and she feels its all her fault!” 

“But, how can she, I—” The door to the cafe opens suddenly and Zayn see’s red, the mass of curly hair with an angry scowl marches over to them, the little boy he saw earlier holding her hand. 

“Liam, we’re leaving right now” She says, grabbing onto Liam’s arms and pulling him from his seat. 

“But Dan—” 

“No Liam, we’re leaving or we’ll be late for Joseph’s football game” Liam hasn’t got time to say much else before he’s dragged out of the door and down the street. But he glances back, and there’s nothing but sadness and guilt. 


	2. Chapter Two

— 

**It starts with one thing, I don’t know why**   
**It doesn’t even matter how hard you try**   
**Keep that in mind that I designed this rhyme**   
**To explain in due time**   
**All I know, time is a valuable thing,**   
**Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings**   
**Watch it count down to the end of the day**   
**The clock ticks life away, It’s so unreal**   
**Didn’t look out below, watch the time fly right out the window**   
**Trying to hold on but didn’t even know,**   
**I wasted it all just to watch you go**

—  

Zayn pulls the cover over Leila’s body as she stares up at him, he feels guilty. It was a rough day, for a little seven year old to go through so many things in one day. Being targeted at school, to then her daddy just magically appearing in tesco’s. 

“Daddy?” 

“Yeah Lei-Lei?” he lays beside the dark haired girl and she instinctively curls herself around him. 

“Am I going to see Daddy again?” there’s so much doubt in her voice, that Zayn already knows she knows what the answer is going to be. But he can’t deny her for wanting to see Liam, can he? Or even Liam wanting to see her, because after all, he’s her dad too.

“Would you like the truth or a lie?” he says quietly, fingers threading through her dark hair.

“The truth”

“I don’t know Leila, I didn’t know daddy was going to be here. Maybe you can, we’ll you will. We just have to see how things go” the girl in his arm doesn’t say anything else, so he waits for her breathing to even out before untangling their limbs and creeping from the little girls room. Hearing the door click, the breath he didn’t know he was holding spewed between his lips, there was a dull ache in his chest. He’d always imagined Liam coming back, imagining him knocking on the door and spilling his heart out about how he still loves him and he can’t be away from him any longer. Never did he imagine he’d run into him in tesco, having come back to London or in fact being there the whole time and not even coming to tell the boys he was ok. 

He was still yet to tell Harry and Louis about today’s events, Niall knew. Obviously Leila having told him as soon as they were in Niall’s car, but he refused to believe her until Zayn came home with a distant look in his eyes and confirmed it. As promised Zayn took Leila out for an ice cream and then they watched Niall’s copy of The Lion King. He had been desperately trying to avoid talking about Liam with her, and he was successful because Leila was too busy enjoying herself than to ask awkward questions, she was saving them for later obviously. 

Walking down the stairs he can hear Harry and Louis chatting quietly, the faint sounds of spoons stirring around mugs. He pads into the kitchen and slumps into a chair at the kitchen table. Haz and Lou immediately feel Zayn’s bad mood and turn to face him, ‘him’ and ‘her’ mugs in hand. Harry got stuck with the ‘her’ mug because  _‘he was the youngest’_ even though he was theoretically older because of how childish Louis could be sometimes. 

“Zayn, whats troubling you?”

“I think you should sit down to hear this” Zayn scrapes a hand down his face, rubbing the tired ache away from his eyes. Both of the boys share a look before sitting down at the table beside each other, it takes Zayn a few moments before he builds up the courage to actually say it, not quite believing it still.

“Liam’s back” it’s simple, straight to the point and quite frankly the only thing he can say without breaking out into a fit of sobs.

“W-what do you mean?” It’s unusual for Louis to stutter or be lost for words, because not matter what he always has a solution or explanation for any situation, but not this time.

“I got a call from the school, telling me that Leila had been in some bother at school and that I should come and collect her” Zayn starts, opting to start at the beginning. “So I picked her up and found out that we were a topic for a music project at school and some of the kids at school had said something. To cheer her I said we’d get a movie and some snacks then go get some ice cream before coming back for the movie. But guess who’s standing in the movie isle? And Leila saw him before I did, pointed him out to me” He can already feel the tears stinging at his eyes. 

“He wanted to explain, so I got Nialler to pick up Lei and we went into the cafe across from tesco’s, he said it was because no body wanted me and him together, said he didn’t want the hate for me. He didn’t even recognize Leila as his! And then guess who comes waltzing in? Danielle, and their kid. He’s got another kid!” That’s all it takes for the tears to pour and his body to shake uncontrollably. Harry’s frozen to his chair, but Louis’ already there with his arms wrapped around the tanned skinned boy. 

“I’m so sorry Zaynie, I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve any of this, you’re the best dad in the world to Leila and an amazing uncle and god-father to Darcy” There’s tears on Louis’ cheeks now, a mixture of his own and Zayn’s as their faces are crushed together in Louis’ embrace. 

Harry can’t quite believe it, the emotions are whirling around him, is he angry at Liam for what he did? Or is he disappointed? It’s a mix of both, how could any body just leave the person they love and not contact them? He could never leave Louis, never in a million years, no matter how much shit they were put through by everyone. But for Liam to do such a thing? Daddy Direction? It’s totally out of his character, well it was. Maybe he’s changed Harry thinks. He mumbles something about going for a shower, even though he knows he should stay and comfort his best friend, his brother. He can’t bring himself too. He feels so bad for him, feels so upset that something like this has happened to him he just can’t. 

Louis leads Zayn over to the sofa and pulls him into him. Letting his head rest on his lap as Louis hands tangle in his hair. 

“What am I gonna do Lou? I mean, she wants to see him. I can’t deny her that can I? But then, what if he doesn’t want to see her? How is a seven year old going to take that kind of rejection? Not to mention the fact that he has a son” The tears have subsided, leaving Zayn’s eyes raw and itchy, the soft skin surrounding them blotchy and pink. 

“I don’t know. I guess the two main people we have to listen to is Leila and Liam. I mean, I know its going to be difficult watching them be together after everything he’s put you through, but its down to what Leila wants” Louis’ isn’t always immature, because when you need him, like Zayn does now, there’s no one else he’d rather talk to. 

“I want Leila to be happy, and I want her to know who Liam is, I just. I don’t want to be around him. I love him, I love him so much it hurts but I can’t let myself get into that again. Nothing will ever be the same again” the words let out another batch of fresh tears, and Louis doesn’t think he’s ever seen Zayn cry this much before, excluding the nights right after Liam left and Louis sat up for months on end with him, just listening to him cry and wiping his tears away. 

“You’re right Zee, you can’t let him in again. And that shows how strong you are, doesn’t it. Because you know whats good for you. And I’m proud of you” he leaves a sensitive kiss on Zayn’s tear stained, blotchy cheek and soothes it over with the pad of his thumb. 

“Tonight Leila asked if she was going to see him again, but, how is she if he doesn’t come and we don’t see him around town?” 

“I guess it’s up to Liam, we haven’t moved so he knows where we are” Louis says, a small reassuring smile on his lips. “Now c’mon Zaynie, get some sleep. It’s been a long day” Zayn doesn’t resist and lets Louis pull him up from the sofa, he doesn’t quite feel like sleeping alone, so he slips into Leila’s room and lays down beside her. He knows he’s lucky in many ways, because although without Liam beside him while Leila was growing up. He did have three of the most amazing people in the world, his three boys stood by him in everything and did whatever they could to help him out. He also had the strongest and most amazing little girl he could ever wish for, she was a good girl. Never did anything wrong, true she played around and caused mayhem when she was with Darcy, but that was to be expected, Darcy had Louis’ personality. Liam was really the only thing missing about Leila’s childhood. 

— 

**I kept everything inside and even though I tried, It all fell apart**   
**What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard**   
**And got so far**   
**But in the end**   
**It doesn’t even matter.**   
**I had to fall, to lose it all,**   
**But in the end,**   
**It doesn’t even matter.**

—  

“Nialler, would you mind picking Leila up from school today? I have to work late because of the time I took of yesterday” Zayn’s zipping up Leila’s coat and sliding on her backpack. 

“No of course I don’t, might even treat you and take you to the park” Niall pinches at Leila’s cheeks and she giggles, pushing his hands away playfully. He see’s Darcy running away from Harry who has the socks in is hands, he scoops her up into his arms as she runs past him and Harry seizes the opportunity and slides the white butterfly socks onto her little feet. 

“Uncle Zaynieeee!” Darcy moans, pretending to pout as he sets her back onto the tiled floor of their kitchen. 

“Aw, you know I love you Darce’” She gives him a big grin and plants a sloppy kiss on his cheek before slipping her hand into Leila’s. Even though they are not blood related, they may as well be sisters. They’ve obviously grown up around each other, and sometimes Leila refers to Darcy as her sister at school. 

Harry shoo’s the two girls from the kitchen and into his car, they take it in turns to do the school runs. And it was Harry’s turn today, Harry worked at the cafe on the edge of town, and they knew the circumstances so when Harry was five or so minutes late, they didn’t mind. Niall was a sound engineer for a club in the heart of the town, so he sometimes worked nights but sometimes local bands would play in the day so extra cash would come then. Louis didn’t work every day of the week, he was a drama club leader for some secondary school out of town. 

After the fall of One Direction, they didn’t get the pay packages as they used to and after a while, money started to think out. And with two children and Niall to feed, they knew that they were going to have to find work. None of them mind, they’d had their shot at fame, and now they live a normal life, it was sort of the best of both worlds, even if it did end in a terrible way. 

Zayn pinned on his name tag as he entered the book shop, apologizing to Paul as soon as he saw him. The older guy didn’t mind, he knew that Leila was very important to him and said as long as the little girl was ok, he was ok too. He busied himself with re-stacking the shelves and sorting out the knew stock in the back, sometimes glancing at the blurbs to see what good reads he could get for the winter holidays coming up soon. He really enjoyed Christmas, having the two girls gleaming with excitement in the days before the special day everything seem more enjoyable. 

The shop wasn’t busy, but there were a few customers lining the shelves, picking up and putting down. He slid behind the till and waited for satisfied customers to purchase their items, it was Zayn’s favourite part of the job. There was something about it that fascinated him, it was the fact that even though he didn’t know the person on the other side of the counter he could get a little information about them, just by what books they were purchasing. For instance, the girl he was currently serving was a teenage girl, black hair, black clothes and lots of piercings, people would be quick to judge her, but the books she handed over were all Nicholas Sparks romance novels, not the gothic, fantasy novels you would assume she would purchase. 

The shop soon empties out and Zayn stands by the till, feeling the boredom creeping into his limbs. He checks there’s no one milling around and he sits at the chair behind the computer at the till and he picks up the book he’s currently reading, he often reads when the shop is dead and there’s nothing for him him to do. He’s currently reading a novel about a girl who was a suspected terrorist and the government had given her a second chance to be a teenager and wiped her memory clean, bu she remembered little parts of her past. It isn’t something he’d normally go for, but a regular girl who comes into the shop recommended it to him, they often recommend each other things to read. The girl is about fourteen, her name’s Laney and she’s an avid reader. Someone who Zayn likes to converse with when she comes in. She’s probably his only other friend outside of the boys and Paul. 

It’s as if Laney can read minds, because the door opens and she steps through the door, the innocence in her smile makes Zayn wish he was her age, wishes he could be in school with her because she’s much more intelligent than the children he hung around with when he was at school. 

“Hey Zayn” she smiles at him, and its in his instincts to smile back at her, even if he is in a bad mood, the warmth just transfers to him and makes him feel better already. 

“Laney, you can’t have read the two books you brought last week already, can you?” He knows she could have, because that’s all she does. 

“Of course I have” she beams at him and goes straight through to her section, letting her fingers trail over the books, most of them that she’s probably already read. Zayn sits back down and returns to his book, because he won’t have to serve Laney just yet, she takes her time in picking what to buy. 

It’s another half an hour before Laney comes to the till with three books, the time on Zayn’s watch tells him that Niall picked Leila up half an hour ago. 

“You finished the book yet?” the blonde girl asks, and Zayn shakes his head. 

“Almost, she’s at that nasty girls house trying to tell her parents what happened to her. It isn’t what I’d normally read, but I’m actually enjoying it” Zayn chuckles as he scans the books through the till. 

“Hows Leila and the others?” 

“They’re good thanks, Darcy still won’t have her socks on” Laney laughs as he hands her the bag of her books and she tells him she’ll see him next week. 

Another glance at the clock tells him he’s only got another half an hour before his shift ends, he continues reading his book, getting caught up within the words on the page. He’s always liked reading, it lets you become someone else for a short period of time, you forget about everything that you’re going through, and lets you live in someone else’s shoes, even if only for a short while. 

Zayn’s lost in the words when he feels a hand on his shoulder, he looks up to see Paul and his eyes are glued to the door, 

“You’ve got company” Zayn turns his attention to the door and his blood freezes in his veins. It’s Liam. 

“You want me to get rid of him?” Paul asks, looking down at the boy below him. Zayn thinks about it, then shakes his head. “Gotta sort this out” he says. 

“Alright well, you can get off now. Thanks for the overtime” Paul gives him a nod and goes back into the back section of the shop, leaving Zayn and Liam alone in the empty shop. 

“What do you want? And how did you know where I worked?” Zayn asks, his tone sharp. He just wants to go home, doesn’t want to deal with any of this shit. He wants to go home and cuddle up with Leila on the sofa and have a good cry to Bambi. 

“Look Zayn, I just want to talk ok? We didn’t really get a proper chance to yesterday, and I asked around” Liam’s tone is soft in contrast to Zayn’s, mirroring the way it always used to be. Zayn would be the hot headed one of the relationship, getting angry and annoyed over little things, and Liam would always be the one to pull him onto his lap and calm him down. 

“Fine” is all Zayn grunts in reply as he pulls on his jacket, his skin prickles when he follows Liam out of the shop, inwardly cursing his body for still reacting weirdly around Liam. 

—

**In spite of the way you were mocking me,**   
**Acting like I was part of your property**   
**Remembering all the times you fought with me**   
**I’m surprised it got so far,**   
**Things aren’t the way they were before**   
**You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore**   
**Not that you knew me back then**   
**But it all comes back to me in the end.**

—

The two walk in silence beside each other, both eager for long awaited words to come from their mouths but neither of them having any strength for them to do so. 

“You wanted to talk?” Zayn says after a while, they haven’t been watching where they were walking, and have wound up at the deserted park. They take a seat on the bench and Liam opens his mouth a couple of times to say something, but he closes it every time. 

“I’m sorry” He finally says. 

“Yeah, you said that yesterday” 

“But I am” 

“Well sometimes sorry isn’t enough ok?” Zayn’s words silence them both for a while, and for the first time in around six years Zayn’s itching for a smoke. He quit while having Leila and then quit completely when Leila was a few months old because smoking around her wasn’t at all possible. His hands starts shaking but he just pictures Leila in his head to calm himself down, he’s been smoke free for six years, there’s no need to give in now. 

“I would have stayed had I know about her” Liam says quietly, he’s playing with his fingers and looking straight ahead of him. 

“Oh you would, would you? And her names Leila” 

“Of course I would! Do you know how much it’s cutting me up right now knowing that I left you when you had all of that to deal with” Liam’s voice starts getting louder as he speaks, and with it Zayn’s anger rises. 

“Then why the fuck did you leave!?” Zayn shouts, turning to look Liam directly in the eyes and almost cracking when he see’s the hurt in the pools of Liam’s eyes, but he can’t let his walls down, not when it was Liam who caused all of this mess. 

“Because I thought it was best! Danielle was pregnant and—” 

“Wait, you’d got Danielle pregnant, while you were with me?” Zayn’s voice wavers as he tries to hold back the tears that are threatening to fall. Liam’s eyes widen with realization and he stutters to correct himself. 

“No, Zayn, that’s not what I meant!” 

“Save it Liam, fucking save it!” Zayn growls, getting up from the bench quickly, he tightens his jacket around him, its getting later and the temperature’s dropping. 

“No Zayn, you don’t understand! Joseph isn’t mine!” 

“How do you expect me to—” 

“Zayn, I’m not lying. Danielle had a drunk one night stand after a party and she got pregnant, and then she asked me to say it was mine. I didn’t want to but we talked about it and we just decided to leave and everyone would just go back to the way things were. I regretted it as soon as I left, but I couldn’t face coming back and Danielle needed me. I’m sorry ok? I’m really fucking sorry! I hate myself for leaving, I really do!” Liam’s cheeks are tear stained, and so are Zayn’s. He’s trying to fathom it all out, trying to decide what he should say next. 

“You could have called you know? Niall and I got fucking Hypothermia looking for you! We spent endless nights out in every sort of fucking weather because we thought you could be dead or something! Niall almost died!” Zayn spat, it was true. Because of the blonde boys small structure, the illness had nearly taken his life. 

“Is he ok now?” Liam doesn’t know what else to say. 

“Of course he is, he’s Niall Horan” 

“I don’t know what else I can say to you other than I’m sorry” 

“Like I said, sometimes sorry isn’t enough” Zayn growls, growing impatient. 

“Do you think I could start seeing her? Leila, I mean?” Liam’s voice is quiet again.

“Give me one good reason why I should” 

“Because, because she’s my daughter” 

“Yeah, a father who had no clue of her existence for seven fucking years, Louis, Harry and Niall are more fucking fathers than you, helping me with whatever I needed, wouldn’t be anywhere without those boys” 

“Look I want to make it up to her, make up for the years I lost” Liam says, or pleads or cries, one of the four. 

“I’ll talk to her ok? If she doesn’t want anything to do with you, then just stay out of our lives ok” Hurt washes over Liam’s eyes, but he knows that what Zayn is saying is true. 

Liam gives him his number so if Leila wants to see him he can call him, and Zayn gets up to leave without saying goodbye. He pulls his jacket around him as he walks away from the bench where Liam is sitting. 

“I still love you” he hears Liam shout, he lets the voice echo around him, pretends not to hear, not to care. Like the words haven’t just knocked the air out of his chest. 

—

**I’ve put my trust in you, pushed as far as I can go**   
**For all this**   
**There’s only one thing you should know**   
**I’ve put my trust in you, pushed as far as I can go**   
**For all this**   
**There’s only one thing you should know**   
**I tried so hard,**   
**And got so far**   
**But in the end,**   
**It didn’t even matter.**   
**I had to fall, to lose it all**   
**But in the end,**   
**It doesn’t matter.**

—  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> god, ziam hurts my feels and this is probably the longest thing ive ever wrote... 
> 
> song for this chapter, in the end - linkin park!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this is way overdue, and I'm sorry!

 

—

**I heard there was a secret cord,**   
**That David played it pleased the Lord,**   
**But you don’t really care for music do ya?**   
**Well it goes like this, the fourth, the fifth,**   
**The minor fall and the major lift.**   
**The baffled King composing Hallelujah.**

— 

Zayn turned the key in the lock and pushed the door open, the house was quiet but not silent. There was the low chattering of the television, Niall’s soft breathing combined with Leila’s as they lay tangled on the sofa and the whirring and clincking of the heating in the pipes. Zayn smiles and places a kiss on Leila’s cheek before turning and heading into the kitchen. It’s just Louis sitting at the kitchen table, Darcy on his lap as they read through a book. 

“Hey Uncle Zaynie!” Darcy chirps, the warmth in her smile radiating around the room. 

“Hey Darcy” he plants a kiss on her cheek too, before flicking the switch on the kettle and pouring milk and coffee into his mug. Again, it had been a long day and he feels exhausted, emotionally, mentally and physically. Everything just seems to be happening too quick. Two days since he first saw Liam, well yesterday if you wanted to be exact, and already Liam wants to see Leila, like he hasn’t missed the first seven years of her life. But again Zayn knows there’s nothing he can do to stop Liam from seeing Leila, he’d have to go through a court hearing for custody and Zayn really doesn’t want to put his little soldier through anything else. 

He swirls the spoon in his coffee and takes a few sips, letting the warm relax all his aching bones and limbs. His head feels heaving and all he wants to do is sleep, get the ache away from his head. Louis and Darcy finish reading the book and she waltzes off up the stairs, her famous fairy wings attached to her shoulders. 

Zayn slumps down into a chair next to Louis and sips at his coffee again, he never used to like coffee, it was always tea. But he found coffee relieved the stress more so than tea, can’t remember the last time he drank tea. 

“Long day?” Louis asks, leaning back into his own chair and glancing at the clock, Harry should be home soon with some food. 

“Liam wants to see Leila” Zayn says. 

“You seen him again?” Louis instantly becomes more alert and sits back up in his chair, elbows resting on the table, hands clasping together. 

“Yeah, he came and found me at the bookshop. Said he wanted to talk properly” 

“What did he say?” 

“That he was sorry, he wouldn’t have left if he had known I was having Leila, but Danielle was pregnant and—” 

“Danielle was what?!” Louis’ eyes widened, the same as Zayn’s had. 

“That’s the funny thing, it’s not even his fucking kid. She had a drunken one stand obviously trying to get herself over Liam, then ends up getting knocked up. She wanted Liam to say it was his and then they could move away and all that shit. I told him that I’d talk to Leila about seeing him but if she didn’t want to see him then he should just stay out of our lives” Zayn shrugs, pretending he doesn’t care when both he and Louis know its eating at him inside. 

“So he just left so he could look after someone elses kid?” Zayn nods, they hear the door open and close and Harry’s back home with Chinese. Niall, Leila, Zayn, Harry, Louis and Darcy sit at the kitchen table, eating, talking, laughing. The ache in Zayn’s head seems to wash away hearing Leila’s laugh, mixed with a little bit of Niall, Louis, Harry and Darcy. It’s like a song that keeps on changing words, the melody’s a little different every time he hears it. It’s beautiful really, they’re not a band really. Not anymore, yet with two new additions they still carry on making music, even if it is a different kind. 

—

**Well your faith was strong but you needed proof**   
**You saw her bathing on the roof,**   
**Her beauty and the moonlight over threw ya,**   
**She tied you to her kitchen chair,**   
**She broke your throne and she cut your hair,**   
**And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah.**

—  

“Daddy I don’t want to go in the bath!” Leila’s whines and protests are falling on deaf ears as Zayn undresses his little girl. 

“Yeah well you’re going in the bath Leila and that is that” Zayn checked one more time that the water wasn’t too hot but not too cold before placing her in the tub despite her kicking and squealing. She quietens down as Zayn runs the water over her and she becomes transfixed with the soapy bubbles floating around her. 

Even without a mother figure around for Leila, she’s just like any normal child. And Zayn and the boys have all learned to do things that only mothers would have done before. Sure it was difficult, getting up night after night to feed a screaming baby, but it was his baby. His little soldier who was one of the only things he had in this world that made him feel almost complete. 

Zayn squirts the shampoo into the palm of his hand and massages it into Leila’s hair while she busies herself with getting the bubbles to stick to her chin like a Santa beard. He washes the shampoo away, being careful not to let any of it run into her eyes. He used to do this for his sisters with Doniya when his mom and dad were working late, but back then it was deemed uncool for a sixteen year old teen, but now he’s grateful for the practice. 

Niall sticks his head around the door, “Zee, ya mom’s on the phone. I’ll take over here” Zayn gets up from his knee’s and takes the phone from Niall’s hand, he watches Niall kneel beside the bath and immediately start conditioning Leila’s hair and creating devil horns. Niall’s always been very protective and caring of Leila, she may as well be her second dad. If she doesn’t want her daddy - which is very rare because she loves her daddy more than anything - she calls for Niall. 

“Hey mom” 

 _“Hey sweetie, how are things?”_  Trisha says from the other end of the phone. 

“They’re alright, just bathing Leila. How about you?” 

 _“Oh you know, everything’s as it usually is. Saf and Wal at each others throats and your dad still angry at the world and everything in it”_ Zayn laughs, because his dad has never been a particularly happy person, especially when Zayn told them about Leila, his dad laughed in his face and said April fools day was last month, but upon seeing Zayn’s face in a thin, serious mask he stopped laughing and started to rant on about how he overlooked his relationship with Liam because it made Zayn happy but now he’d just gone to far and he wasn’t happy with him, but Zayn wasn’t listening, he was more bothered about the fact that Liam hadn’t been there that morning and he still had to tell him, not that he ever would. 

“Well, that’s dad for you” 

 _“Anyway, Saf and I are coming to London for a shopping trip and we thought we’d pop in on you while we’re there, having not seen you or lovely Leila for a while”_  

“It will be nice to see you, mom. Haven’t any of you for a while” there’s a hint of sadness in his voice. 

_“You too honey. You too. I don’t know whether your dad will come along, but if he does I promise i’ll make him play nice”_

“You think he’ll ever come around?” 

 _“Knowing your father, no. But there’s possibility’s”_  They talk for a while and then arrange a time for them to arrive and everything is set. Zayn hangs up the phone and creeps up to Leila’s bedroom door, Niall is tucking Leila into bed as they talk, he can just about hear what they’re saying. 

“Uncle Niall?” 

“Yeah Lei-Lei?” 

“Does my other daddy love me?” she asks, playing with the drawstrings on Niall’s hoodie. 

“Of course he does, he loves you very much” Niall says, running his hand through Leila’s just dried hair. 

“But how can he love me if we’ve never met?” she questions, Zayn hears Niall pause, then carry on talking. 

“Because sometimes, you can love someone without really knowing them. He’s your daddy, so he’s going to love you whether he’s here or not. Don’t forget that” he punctuates his sentance with a kiss to her forehead. 

“Do you love my daddy’s?” 

“Of course I do! Leila why do you ask so many questions?” 

“Because daddy says it’s good to ask questions, because it makes you sound intelligent and shows that you want to learn things and become better” Niall laughs as the girl beside him sounds like an eleven year old, not a seven year old. 

“Your daddy is a very clever man Leila, and he loves you more than anything in the world. Now go to sleep” Leila snuggles under the covers and kisses Niall on the cheek. 

“Love you Uncle Niall” she calls after him. 

“Love you too Leila” He calls back. 

—

**Baby I’ve been here before,**   
**I’ve seen this room and I’ve walked this floor**   
**I used to live alone before I knew ya,**   
**I’ve seen your flag on the marble arch**   
**Love is not a victory march,**   
**It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah.**

—  

The book shop wasn’t busy, he was reading again. He’d finished the book from before that Laney had recommended to him and was onto another recommendation from his fourteen year old friend, a novel about a deeply troubled ex secret service personnel with her partner trying to crack a case and find out why she’s so depressed. It’s a bulky book, but he’s almost half way through it already. 

His mother and sisters are scheduled to arrive a few hours after he finishes work, so he has time to clean the house up a little bit before they arrive. Louis, Harry and Darcy have arranged to go out for a meal while Niall has work, so he has time to talk to his mom. About Liam, mainly. 

He’s reading, but he’s not. The words are going in but they’re not settling in his mind like they normally do. He’s too busy thinking about god damn Liam Payne. The way his voice traveled perfectly in the air yesterday to reach his ears,  _“I still love you”_  ringing clearly like he’s only just said it. 

He gives up on his book and slams it back onto the desk in frustration. He busies himself with shelf stacking and rearranging. He does miss being in the band sometimes, misses being someone every looks up to - although the press were always slating him for smoking, having tattoo’s and all that nonsense - he misses how people used to say they loved him even when they didn’t know him. But he doesn’t mind not being in the band. Because he has Leila, and he still has Louis, Harry and Niall. 

He misses the thrill of getting up on stage, feeling the adrenaline pumping through his veins. Also misses how he and Liam used to give each other little looks while performing, smiles, winks, lip bites. A form of communication if you’d like to call it. Just to tell each other little things  _‘I love you’s’, ‘I want you’s’, ‘I need you’s’_ they were all in there somewhere. Of course fans picked up on them, but they never got the true meaning, never got how much love was shared in a second. 

But of course that’s all gone, and Zayn refuses to even look for another partner. He can’t. Can’t seem to let go of Liam, his mind, his heart won’t let him. He’ll see someone attractive, and he’ll think it but then his mean will curse him, 

_‘_ _You shouldn’t be thinking like that! What about Liam!’_

_**‘But Liam’s not here!’** _

 

 _‘But you love him!’_  

 _  
_And maybe Zayn thought sometimes that Liam was going to come back and prove the voices in his head right.  He’s tidying underneath the counter when the bell that sits on top of it chimes. Zayn rises up from his crouching position and meets Danielle’s eyes glaring at him.

“Can I help you?” Zayn asks, trying his hardest not to sound sarcastic. 

“Oh actually you can” Danielle starts, “Stay away from my family” she smiles, its sickly sweet, one of those where you’re being threatening, but pretending you’re having a normal conversation with said person.

“Oh Danielle. Please remember that Liam was the one who wants to see Leila, if I had it as my decision he wouldn’t see her. But she wants to see him, he wants to see her so deal with it like I am” Zayn says, busying himself so he doesn’t meet her death glare.

“Just, make sure you don’t get in the way of me, Liam and Joseph ok? Because he is finally my fiance and you of all people are not going to ruin it!” She snaps, he looks down at her finger and the ring is all the conformation he needs, he doesn’t know if its because he still loves Liam, or if its the small part of him that thought Liam had come back for him that hurts the most. All he knows is, he’s never going to be Liam’s again.

— 

 **There was a time when you let me know,**  
 **What’s really going on below**  
 **But now you never show that to me do ya**  
 **But I remember when I moved in you**  
 **And the Holy dove was moving too**  
 **And every breath we drew was Hallelujah.**  

— 

Leila sat in the back of Zayn’s car singing along happily to the latest songs that streamed from the speakers of the stereo excited about seeing her Grandma and Aunties. 

When they stepped through the door Leila ran upstairs to change from her school uniform while Zayn gave the house a run around with the duster and hoover. Two activities that Zayn had become quite skilled at over time. He made sure everything was perfect before running upstairs to check on Leila. Entering her room  he see’s a flash of pink fairy wings and glitter. 

“Leila, I told you to put clothes on, not your fairy costume” 

“Pleaaaaaaase daddy! I want to show Grandma and Auntie Safaa my costume!” Leila gives him her biggest puppy dog eyes - which are exactly the same as Liam’s and it scars him just how much they look a like - and he caves, the way he always did when Liam gave him those eyes, because he simply couldn’t say no. 

“Right, fine, ok!” a huge smile spreads across her face as she flung her arms around his neck. 

“Lei, I’d like to ask you something” 

“Yes daddy?” 

“Do you want to start seeing your other daddy?” his voice was soft and quiet, Leila pulled away from Zayn and looked him in the eyes, looking a little scared. 

“Does he want to see me?” she asks, her voice barely even a whisper. Zayn nodded in reply, taking both of her small hands into his. 

“What if he doesn’t like me?” she squeaks, biting on her lip a little. 

“Of course he’s going to like you little soldier, everyone likes you” she nods, smiling a little more. 

“I’ll talk to daddy and set something up, ok?” He kisses her on the nose as the doorbell rings, the smile widens on her face and she races down the stairs to answer the door. Zayn sighs and and follows down the stairs, seeing Leila jumping into her Grandma’s arms.

“Leila you could at least let Grandma breathe” Zayn laughs as he reaches the bottom of the stairs, Leila slides from her grip and instantly grips onto Safaa. 

“Well if that wasn’t a warm welcome I don’t know what is” Trisha smiles and wraps her arms around Zayn. 

“Ello mom, its nice to see you” he says, kissing her cheek. They come inside and Leila drags Safaa upstairs to show her the endless amounts of dressing up clothes she’s accumulated over seven years of birthdays and Christmas’ while Zayn and his mom sit down at the kitchen table and he explains all about Liam coming back and everything in between, including the fact he’s engaged to a devil in disguise and all he wants to do is rip the ring right off of her bony finger. 

“I still love him mom” he says quietly, and she nods. 

“I know you do baby. And I know that everything’s going to work out in the end” 

“Why do you say that? He’s getting married. Nothing is ok anymore” 

“Because a mother just knows these things, and this I know” 

—

  **Maybe there’s a God above**  
 **All I’ve ever learned from love**  
 **Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you**  
 **And its not a cry that you hear at night**  
 **It’s a cold and broken Hallelujah.**  

— 

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs for this chapter Trying Not To Love You and Far Away by Nickleback.

—  
You call to me, I fall at your feet,  
How could anyone ask for more?  
And our time apart, like knives in my heart,  
How could anyone ask for more?   
But if there’s a pill to help me forget,  
God knows I haven’t found it yet,   
But I’m dying to, God I’m trying to.  
—  
Zayn bites his nails anxiously as the announcer held onto the card that contained the winners of the award. He wasn’t going to deny that if they didn’t win this he wasn’t going to be gutted. Because he would be. But he knew that they had the best fans anyway, because, well they’d already got a brit award.   
“One Direction!” for a minute Zayn’s heart freezes, whole body freezes, but when Liam drags him from his chair and engulfs them all in a bone crushing embrace he’s back again and the adrenaline is kicking in, hyping him up.   
“We did it lads! We really did it!” Harry says to the four of them. It’s a blur, them going up on stage, collecting the award, and then collecting another two awards, its absolutely mind blowing. And Zayn can feel Liam’s grin, he’s not looking at him, but he can feel how elated he is. When Liam smiles, if Zayn can’t see it, he can hear it, feel it. The warmth, a low, harmonic buzz. He can’t hear it in anyone else though, just Liam. Zayn doesn’t know if it’s because he’s always paying extra attention to Liam, or if it’s because he loves him, his soul mate, that kind of thing.  
And when Liam and Zayn are back in their hotel room for the night, Zayn can really feel Liam’s smile. Its different tonight though, instead of the warmth, its heat. Searing heat, and the buzzing is louder, with a higher frequency. Zayn stands in the bathroom, brushing his teeth, not for a reason, just because it’s something to do and he’s got that much of everything buzzing through his veins it seems ok.  
When Zayn crawls into bed, he can see, feel and hear Liam’s playful smirk. He slides into bed next to Liam, letting his ice cold feet run up and down Liam’s warm legs, making Liam shiver.   
“You cold Zee?”   
“Yeah” Zayn mumbles in reply, snuggling closer into Liam’s side. Liam flips himself over so his hands are resting at either side of Zayn’s head, their faces so close together they can feel each others breath.   
Liam kisses his way down Zayn’s jaw, towards his ear, biting down on the fleshy part of his lobe.   
“I’ll warm you up babe” Zayn shudders when Liam’s hot breath hits his cold skin, setting every inch of him on fire. Liam continues to kiss down Zayn’s neck and jaw, sucking and biting occasionally to mark what’s his. He kisses over his abs, around his naval and back up again, tracing his many tattoo’s with his tongue, lips and fingers.   
Zayn’s fingers thread into Liam’s hair, softly tugging whenever Liam applies pressure onto his skin.   
“Ugh, Li” Zayn’s throaty moan echo’s around the room, reverberating off of each wall, then making its way into Liam’s ears. Liam kisses his way back up to Zayn’s lips, capturing them within his own. They start off slow and loving, turning into something much more passionate when Liam forces his tongue into Zayn’s mouth. They battle for dominance, but tonight, this is Liam’s night. He’s in control, and he’s going to make sure Zayn knows about it.  
Liam’s hands trace pathways around Zayn’s tanned, and now sweaty skin. He feels the contours of his abs, the lines, the dips, muscles, bones. Likes the feel of them underneath the pads of his finger tips. Almost feels like he’s planning a route. Every time, there’s a new direction, new destination. Because Zayn’s like that, full of mystery, full of surprises, one of the things Liam loves about him.  
They discard whatever clothing they have attached to themselves, boxers, jogging bottoms, so that they’re skin on skin, nothing else. They’re as close as can be, chest to chest.  
“Make love to me Liam… Please” Zayn whispers, forehead pressed against Liam’s, the sweat that’s already accumulated there acting like glue.   
Liam doesn’t say anything, presses a kiss onto Zayn’s lips and lines himself up. The pain Zayn feels quickly turns to pleasure, which quickly transforms into ecstasy so strong all he can see is colour, white, blue, red, green, purple, pink. Everything, it dances in front of his eyes, he’s in heaven, or maybe somewhere better than heaven, he’s got Liam resting on his chest, breathing hard as he comes down from his high.   
Zayn runs his fingers through Liam’s slightly damp hair, trying to regain his composure.   
“Zayn”   
“Yes Li-Li?”   
“I love you”   
“I love you too” 

—   
Just one chance, just one breath,  
Just in case there’ just one left.  
Cause you know, you know, you know,  
That I loved you, loved you all along,  
And I miss you, been away for far too long,  
I keep dreaming you’ll be with me,  
and you’ll never go,  
Stop breathing if I don’t see you anymore.   
—

 

Zayn rubs the sleep from his eyes and sits up in the bed, he looks at the empty space beside him and the cold, empty feeling washes over him. He’s lived with it for the past eight years, thats 2,920 days, 70,126.496 hours, 4,207,590.13 minutes and 252,535,408 seconds. And he still wakes up empty, like Liam’s only just left him and he’s still not used to being alone.   
But every morning Zayn pulls himself out of bed and goes straight into the arms of Leila. It’s how he likes to start the day.   
And today’s no different. He pushes the covers away from his legs and pulls on a t-shirt and joggers. Now that he’s awake he can hear that Leila’s down stairs talking with Niall, well she’s not really talking, she’s more like singing talking excitedly to him, Zayn knows why. She’s finally getting to meet Liam today.   
He pads down the stairs and into the kitchen, Leila running into his arms before he’s even past the doorway.  
“Morning little soldier” he kisses the top of her forehead and pinches her cheeks, she giggles and buries herself into his neck.  
“You had any breakfast yet soldier?” he asks, getting the bowls from the cupboard anyway.   
“Well, Uncle Niall said he was getting breakfast. But then he ate it” she whines, pouting at Niall who just smiles in their direction. Zayn laughs while shaking his head and pours the cereal and milk into a bowl and sets both Leila and the bowl down. He does one for himself and leans against the kitchen counter, he’s thinking as he spoons the cereal into his mouth. Thinking about how Liam will be with Leila, he’ll be ok with her, he’s been looking after a kid for the eight years he’s been away, that’s got to count for something right?   
“Daddy? Will you come with me today?” Leila asks, halfway through a bowl of cornflakes. Zayn freezes, spoon midway into his mouth.   
“Er, I thought you wanted to meet daddy on your own?”   
“Well I do, but I don’t want to be there without you” Leila mumbles, looking at him with big puppy dog eyes. Zayn obviously can’t say no to those eyes, no matter how much he knows he should.   
“Of course I’ll come Lei-Lei” He kisses her forehead when she grins at him and they finish their cereal listening to the radio.   
—  
Cause trying not to love you, only goes so far  
Trying not to need you, is tearing me apart,  
Can’t see the silver lining, from down here on the floor,  
And I just keep on trying, but I don’t know what for.  
—   
Zayn pulls on his own shoes then bends down to do the velcroe up on Leila’s shoes. He’s already called Liam and told him that Leila wouldn’t come unless he came along with them, and Zayn found a little bit of happiness in the shape of Liam ‘s smile practically seeped through the phone.   
“You ready for this soldier?”   
“Yes Sir” Leila salutes with her right hand and Zayn kisses her forehead, he slips his hand into hers and they head out of the door. They’re not doing anything too special for the first day, just the park and maybe some ice cream or hot chocolate afterwards. Zayn’s nervous, so he can’t bare to think what Leila’s feeling. So far, she’s been really excited about meeting Liam, but Zayn wonders whether she’ll clam up again like she did in tesco.   
They walk hand in hand down the street towards the park where Liam and Zayn were the other day, they’d never come across it before then. When they’d been there, no one else had been around. So they both thought this was an ideal spot for a first meeting, no interruptions. Christmas is four weeks away so the morning air is crisp as it lashes against their faces, Leila’s face is buried into her scarf and her hands in her mittens.  
When Zayn see’s the park up ahead, he can see the outline of a figure on the bench. The very bench where Liam told him he stilled loved him. Getting closer Zayn see’s that it is Liam, he wants to smile, because Liam’s first there, like he always used to be.  
“Daddy I’m nervous” Leila whimpers as they approach the park, Zayn stops and bends down in front of her, taking both of her mitted hands within hers.  
“Lei, I know you are. But I promise you, daddy’s not going to hurt you, nor is he going to hate you. Stiffen up that upper lip little soldier, what do I always tell you? Daddy’s always here” she smiles and nods and then continue walking towards the park. As they draw closer Liam becomes more clear, and Zayn suddenly becomes nervous, he’s glad Leila’s got mittens on, because his palms are covered in a sweaty film even though they’re cold.   
Liam stands up as they approaches them and he smiles, Zayn see’s it, feels it and hears it all in one. He knows its genuine. When they’re standing in front of each other and Zayn feels Leila inch closer into him, he initiates the conversation.   
“Leila, this is your daddy, say hello” Leila mutters a barely audible hello and then inches closer to Liam, it’s slow but they end up with their arms around each other and Liam’s face is almost one of pure ecstasy and joy.  
Confidence must pour back into Leila like a tap because she’s dragging Liam off to the swings, Zayn sits down on the bench and watches. Its a weird site, one he never thought he’d see. Didn’t think Leila would ever meet Liam. But here he is, sitting on a park bench, watching them talk and laugh as Liam pushes her on the swing. Its nice.  
Better than he imagined, really.  
—  
On my knees, I’ll ask  
Last chance for one last dance,  
Cause with you I’d withstand,  
All of it to hold your hand.  
I’d give it all, I’d give for us  
Give anything but I won’t give up  
Cause you know, you know, you know,  
I love you.   
—  
After the park, when Leila is completely comfortable with Liam and is practically telling him every story about the antics that she and Darcy get up to when they want to lay up Harry, Louis, her daddy and Niall - Liam was shocked to find out that Darcy was in fact Harry and Louis’ child. But was none the less overjoyed - they wen’t to get ice cream.   
When both Liam and Zayn pull out their wallets at the same time, Liam insists he pays because it’s the least he can do and Zayn can’t argue because he won’t win. It reminds him of how it used to be. The same sort of thing, Zayn’s stomach flood with all sorts of emotions.   
Sitting at their table Leila is chomping her way through chocolate ice cream and telling Liam about the time she, Louis, Harry and Darcy did the feather and cream trick on Zayn because he wouldn’t get out of bed - Liam finds this very funny and so much like the Harry and Louis he’s always known just with two little extra additions.   
Leila talks, eats, talks, eats and doesn’t catch on that even though Liam’s listening, he’s watching Zayn. Zayn’s watching Leila, his whole face lit up. Because he hasn’t seen his little soldier this happy for a while. She’s got that twinkle in her eyes and the creases by her eyes, and that makes Zayn get them too.   
The three of them sit in the ice cream parlor for another hour or two before Leila’s eyes become heavy and tired and she’s ran out of hilarious stories to tell Liam. Liam walks back with them to the house, Leila runs on inside when she see’s that Louis’ car is in the driveway. But Zayn stays standing outside, leaning against the door frame, his arms folded across his chest.   
“Thanks, for today” Liam says, trying a half smile, because he doesn’t want to smile really, just wants the day to start again so he can be with Leila and Zayn all over again.   
“I’m just glad that you and Leila get along. She hasn’t been that happy in a while” Zayn says, trying to keep his tone level, because he also just wants to repeat this day.   
“She’s amazing, you’ve brought her up amazingly” Zayn smiles and looks at the ground as he kicks a pebble with the toe of his shoe, it happens quicker than he can realize, Liam kisses his cheek - side of the lips - and then steps back, turning to go. Zayn’s frozen in his position, he’d felt Liam’s lips on him for the first time in eight years, and he’s angry with himself for wanting more. And then he mentally kicks himself for not talking to Liam about the wedding, because now he knows, what Liam just did shouldn’t be acceptable, it isn’t. But Zayn’s can’t think about that because Liam god damn Payne just kissed his cheek.  
It feels like the first time, all over again.  
—  
Cause I needed to hear you say,  
I love you, I have loved you all along  
And I forgive you for being far away for far too long  
So keep breathing, cause I’m leaving you anymore  
Believe it, hold onto me, never let me go

\--


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song in this chapter Feeder - Yesterday

Sitting in today, watching traffic buzzing by,  
and faces nosing in.   
A victim of regret, it glitters and it fades away,   
like silver turning grey.   
Washed it all away, waiting for this dream to end,  
before it sucks me in.  
—  

Liam can’t really describe what he feels at the moment, its a mixture of anger, annoyance and dissapointment, and its only at himself. He’s always know what he did was wrong, always had this feeling in his gut that he’d properly ruined everything he’d ever wanted in his life, but it was only today that everything came crashing down on him. The realization of exactly what he’d ruined for himself hit him hard on the head.   
   
He’s sitting on the balcony of their new apartment, ‘their’ being his, Danielle’s and Joseph’s. Trouble was, Liam was really starting to grow tired of this ‘their’ He wanted his ‘their’ to be Leila and Zayn. It’s not that he doesn’t love Danielle and Joseph, because he does. But its not the same, intense love he has for Zayn and the admiration he’s already got for Leila. 

The eight years he spent with Danielle and Joseph were not terrible, far from it. They were peaceful, enjoyable. He did the average ‘dad’ things, even though Joseph isn’t his own. He learnt him to ride a bike, how to swim, read and write. And somehow, somewhere he’d proposed to Danielle. 

It wasn’t like he knew she was going to want to return for the wedding. 

She didn’t know that Zayn had a child.   
She didn’t know Liam was going to realize he didn’t want to marry her anymore.   
The winter evening air slaps at Liam’s face, freezing the millions of tiny hairs that adorn his chin, he hasn’t shaved for two days, just hasn’t felt like it, and he knows Danielle doesn’t like it when he has a 12 o’clock shadow. 

Danielle notices Liam sitting against the railing, a frown etches upon her lightly bronzed face and joins him. 

“You were out almost all day” she says, Liam doesn’t know if she’s acknowledging it, or complaining. 

“Yeah, I was” he breathes, remembering all the things he’d done today.   
Remembers Leila’s face, her smile, her laugh, her voice. Remembers the feeling he had in his stomach when he kissed Zayn’s cheek. That familiar feeling of love, those butterflies. 

“Any reason for that?” 

“I told you, I was out with Leila and Zayn” Liam smiles a little.

Danielle doesn’t reply, she just looks at him, with the fire and the scorn that turned Liam’s blood cold. 

“Do you have a problem with it?” he deadpans, knowing he’ll spark a reaction. 

“I don’t mind you seeing her, it’s him I have a problem with. I, you know we’ve never got on. Bloody kid never followed me on twitter, always looked at you and spoke about you and he just annoys me” 

“He was my boyfriend, what do you expect” 

“And you were mine before him. You left me for him, don’t you know how that made me feel Liam?” Danielle turns to him, there’s tears in her eyes, but Liam doesn’t feel the hurt in his stomach like he usually does when Danielle cries, and he doesn’t know why. All he can think of is Zayn. 

“Do you not remember what I did for you? I left him for you. So I could help you, even when I loved him. I loved him so much, the boys, my career, I lost it all for you. I have a daughter that I hadn’t met for seven years because I helped you out. Don’t ever forget that I sacrificed everything for you” He hisses, pushing himself from the floor of the balcony and marching through the apartment and out of the door, onto the busy streets of London. 

—   
I’m climbing high, up above the streets and rows of neon lights,  
I’m holding out my hand but I’m alone,  
Wish I could show you,  
Wish you could see through my eyes,  
Tomorrow shines through,   
but I’m missing yesterday.  
— 

Liam walks along the street, his figure entwining with the others passing him buy, blends in like one of the water colour paintings like Zayn used to do when he couldn’t sleep. Liam would be half a sleep, because if Zayn wasn’t alseep, Liam found he couldn’t sleep all that well either. He would feel Zayn roll away from his side - instantly feel lost and fearful - and hear him set up the easel, hear the soft strokes of the paintbrush against the canvas. Liam would never tell Zayn he was awake, he’d simply just listen, because it was what he did best.   
He drags his feet across the pavements, not bothering to miss any cracks. He stopped believing in anything, stopped being superstitious, the moment he left Zayn in the middle of the night. 

Liam doesn’t quite know his purpose anymore, so he reads to Joseph, hovers around, oh and he’s getting ready for the wedding that’s only a month away from now. 

Liam doesn’t want to go through with it.   
But, there’s no turning back now, is there? 

The lights above Liam’s head are blinding, they’re a mixture of stars and street lights, Liam wants Zayn to paint it. But he’s far away, and it makes Liam’s heart ache. He strolls around, thinking. He thinks back to when he and the boys got put into a band, one of the single most amazing moments of his life, other than the first time he kissed Zayn of course. 

Liam’s heart races as the words tumbled out of Nicole’s mouth ‘We’ve decided to put you through as a group’ He can’t quite believe it. There’s four strangers standing next to him - save for the black haired boy he met in McDonald’s - but they’re all unknown to him, and they’ve been given the chance to pursue their dream with each other.  
Liam know’s he wants this, but the others, do they?

Of course they do.

“Um, we’d like to take the opportunity” the one with the beanie on says, they haven’t spoken yet, but maybe they didn’t need to, their wasn’t anything they could really discuss, they all wanted this, right? 

The other group decide the same thing and then the adrenaline where’s out and they’re standing outside of the bootcamp venue, looking at each other, thinking ‘what the fuck do we do now?’

So they introduce themselves.

The one with the beanie on, with the curls hiding underneath is Harry, he’s the one who spoke out for them all.

There’s Niall, the blonde, Irish one, he’s always smiling, Liam notes.

Louis’ the one with the sweeping fringe, the one who’s already cracking jokes, he’s got nice eyes.

And then lastly, the’re Zayn. He’s the one with the jet black hair, the one he spoke to in McDonald’s. He’s got the really nice eyes, these fully shaped lips that seemed to always be in a relaxed pout and fuck does he look like a model or what?  
Liam doesn’t find it healthy that he’s noticed so many things about this guy - Zayn - and only a few things about the others - Harry, Niall and Louis - in such a short amount of time.

But he continues to notice things about Zayn.

Liam smiles. He knows why he noticed so much about Zayn on the very first day, love at first sight and all that right? Even though Liam’s never really believe in all that - because he believes love is more than skin deep - he just knows that’s why he noticed all of that about Zayn, and only noticed a couple of things on the other guys. 

He had no idea that one little decision, could turn into a life changing decision in so many ways. He lived his dream, he fell in, he got his heart broken by himself - that’s how Liam likes to explain it to himself, he broke Zayn’s heart as well as his own when he left - and then here he is, walking alone along the streets of London as the passers by don’t give him a second glance because they’ve forgotten who he is. It’s not weird anymore, he got used to that when he moved away. Because Danielle was clever, she moved them to somewhere where they didn’t know who One Direction or Danielle Peazer was, they were normal people to the residents of that small town in the middle east.   
Liam’s been walking for a while, and only know does he realize where he is now, it’s the X Factor house. Liam didn’t think it was still here, but it is, and he smiles because this place brings back so many damn memories. Liam wants to cry, smile, scream and curse himself all at the same time, because what he had before - the touring, the fans, the adrenaline of being on a stage in front of thousands of people - is never going to come back to him, he can’t have it again. All because he was scared, because he was a coward and he chose an easy way out, even though leaving wasn’t easy, he didn’t follow through on himself he just ran away from everything, and he wants nothing more than to turn back time. But he can’t. 

He walks around the back of the house, completely aware of the time, and climbs over the fence to get to the little hang out he and Zayn had back in the days of the shows. 

It isn’t much, just a tree that they really liked sitting under, singing songs, talking about what they used to be like before X Factor. 

Liam sits down in the exact same spot that he used to, and feels the familiarity wash over him, its been more than ten years since he sat here last, but he can still here the soft humming of Zayn beside him, the bickering of Harry and Aiden from inside the house, can hear Cher rehearsing. He wants to go back so badly, wants to go into rehearsals with Brian while they’re all wearing onesies, wants Harry to go rolling around on an exercise ball, just wants to be seventeen again. 

But he’s getting married next month, sure its to the girl he met while he’s on X Factor, but its not the boy who stole his heart as soon as he sang the first notes of ‘Torn’ at Simon’s house. 

He runs a hand through his hair, he can almost feel the weight of the gold band that will be around his finger, he already wants to rip it off and throw it away like its not going to happen. But the burden of his actions all those years ago will not let him, he’s trapped, trapped in a circle of life he just wants to stop, turn it into a square and jump off the corner.   
Liam just wants Zayn. 

—   
Crashing on the ground,   
the silence seems to suffocate,  
and bury me again.   
Waiting for a taste of happiness,  
to life me free and carry me away.  
—  

Zayn peels off his clothes and slips under the covers off the bed. His heads still reeling, his cheek still tingling from the sudden contact of Liam’s lips almost four hours ago, he didn’t tell anyone about that bit. But he let Leila tell Lou, Harry, Niall and Darcy all about their trip to the park and the ice cream they had.   
The three other boys smiled, laughed and joined in happily while Darcy coloured in her colouring book and listened in eagerly, transfixed by Leila’s excitement.   
Zayn doesn’t want to think about the fact that Liam will be at home, his arms wrapped around someone else, someone else that isn’t him. Doesn’t want to think about Liam still not being his. 

//

Liam doesn’t go home. He sleeps under the tree until the morning light. Walks home with a goofy grin on his face, feels a little bit closer to Zayn. 

He gets an earful as soon as his foot steps through the door, but he doesn’t listen really. He pretends too, like he always does when Danielle talks, but his minds not there and it doesn’t process the words, it just thinks about Zayn goddamn Malik and his perfect hair, perfect voice and perfect everything.   
Maybe he shouldn’t smile and make Danielle shout and scream at him even more, but he does it anyway. 

—   
Lost another leper in,   
a world of vanity,   
It’s killing me today,   
addiction pulls you down you know,  
and he’s the drug I need

\--


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't even remember what song this is?... Oh well.. enjoy!

—

**If I could**   
**I would dare**   
**Feed your dreams and starve your fears**   
**If I could**   
**Light the world**   
**We could sit and watch it burn**   
**We could fall asleep inside the glow.**

—

When Liam finally gets around to opening up his laptop and firing it up, its quarter past mid-day. Before Danielle left for wedding dress shopping with her friends this morning, she told him he had to job hunt. And Liam thinks that, that idea is almost on the verge of insanity, how on earth is he going to get a job? Yes, he left school with a good set of GCSE’s, but because of X-Factor and the small detail of becoming an international pop star in a boy band, he hadn’t quite got round to studying further on at college and university, therefore, Liam had no proper qualifications that would get him anywhere. 

 

But Liam had to look for something despite this anyway, they needed the money. He’d managed to get an okay payed job when they moved away eight years ago, at a filing office, no one knew who he was, so working was pretty much easy. That was until Danielle decided she wanted the wedding to be in London. Now things were getting complicated for every reason Liam could think possible.

Joseph was at school and didn’t need picking up until quarter past four because of football training. Although Joseph wasn’t Liam’s own little boy, he still had a very good bond with the boy. Joseph didn’t know that Liam wasn’t his real father, or that he would never know - because even Danielle can’t remember the name of the guy she had the one night stand with, let alone tell him she’d had his child - although Liam had a sneaking suspicion that he was getting curious, asking why daddy had brown eyes, and he had blue. 

Scrolling through the sites of local businesses looking for ‘employees wanted’ signs, Liam found his mind wondering to two certain dark haired people. It stops him for a while, one minute he’s thinking about the way Leila’s face lights up when she talks about Zayn, Louis, Harry, Niall and Darcy, and then he’s thinking about how he can apologize to the other boys - who he’s yet to see - and whether they’ll accept that apology. 

Liam ends up giving up on the job searching at quarter past two, he makes himself a strong cup of coffee, and settles back down behind is laptop. In the past eight years, he hasn’t really had much alone time like this, with his old job being in an office all day, coming home at seven o’clock and listening to Danielle go on and on about some of the bitchy women at her salon and then going to bed and then doing it all over again the next day for eight years, well, sometimes, Liam felt very claustrophobic. More claustrophobic than Liam would feel when he was trying to get into a radio building for an interview and fans would surround the group, making him feel like there was no way out. 

His fingers hover the keyboard, his fingers itching to type out a single name, the same name he was trying to build up the courage to search for so many years, but could never bring himself too. He thinks, maybe if he had, maybe thing’s would have been different, maybe at this moment in time, he would have been waiting to pick up Leila before they went on to do a show. But that’s not the way everything worked out, he didn’t have the courage to find out what was going on in his ex-boyfriends life, and so there he stayed, silently crying to himself every night. 

But now, now Liam has this courage inside of him, because now he knows, he wants to find out everything. So he lets his fingers drum on the keys, typing in the four letter name and pressing the search button, waiting point zero’s of a second for the results to appear, and then, oh. 

_“One Direction band member Liam Payne runs away with ex-girlfriend Danielle Peazer. Leaving his four band members completely clueless to his where about’s. A source tells us that Liam was seen leaving his apartment that he shared with boyfriend - soon to be ex-boyfriend? - Zayn Malik in the early hours of yesterday morning, as to yet, nobody knows why the singer has decided to cut his ties and run off from London. But, what we can tell you is, without Liam Payne, it won’t be One Direction anymore - The Gaurdian 23/03/13”_

There are countless other articles about Liam leaving, some focusing on the fact that he left with his ex-girlfriend - whom he split with for Zayn - and some focusing on the aftermath that was to ensue when he didn’t return for weeks, months, and then years. 

He then moves onto adding the word ‘pregnancy’ after Zayn’s name, to see what results would appear. He gets lots of articles explaining the dates of when Leila was born, and then a lot of speculation as to who Leila’s other father was, some said Harry, some said Louis, some said Niall. There were small snippets that wondered whether Liam was the father, but it wasn’t until Zayn revealed in the last interview the now-four-member boy band did that Leila was in fact Liam’s child. 

He sits and watches old interviews, and those god forsaken video diaries they did when they were sixteen/seventeen/eighteen and my god how Liam wishes he could go back. Want’s nothing more than to sit on those stairs with Louis pouring pickle and salt into actual tea and Niall actually drinking it. Want’s all that stupidity back. 

It’s always occurred to Liam that he may have made the wrong choice on that night when he left, but now, now he realizes, that maybe it was the worst decision he’s ever made in his life. 

—

**So tell me what I gotta do, to win you over**   
**You’ll never have to wonder if you need another**   
**You’ll never have to wonder if I understand**   
**And every time you reach for me you’ll find a hand.**

—

//

“DADDDDDDDYYY” Leila screeches when she runs out of the doors of the school, running straight into Zayn’s arms, the huge smile plastered on her face that she always wears around Zayn. 

“Hello soldier, how was school?” he laughs as he scoops her into his arms and twirls her around, the other mothers look at them and smile, at first they were skeptical of Zayn’s ability to raise a child, that was until they saw the sparkle they shared. 

“Boring, but we got to listen to your old songs because of the project! And nobody said anything because the teacher was all strict and gave evils to the nasty boy who’s nasty to me!” Leila beams. Zayn listens as Leila tells him about the music project, its funny how Zayn can still remember the words to ALL of the songs, you’d think that after so many years at least some of the lines from the songs, the titles or the meanings would go missing, but they haven’t. If someone asked him to get up on a stage and sing every song the band ever did, he could. 

He walks home with Leila tucked safely in his arms, humming the tune of ‘What Makes You Beautiful’ and Zayn finds himself singing along with her. 

Back in the house, Darcy’s got the television on with some kids program on learning them some dance routine, and Niall’s trying to learn it too, but failing. Leila joins too, picking it up instantly, much to Niall’s displeasure. 

“I think I’m getting to old to dance” Niall moans, slumping down on the sofa in defeat. 

“Niall, that dance routine is for five to seven year old’s, both Darcy and Leila can do it, but you can’t? I don’t think you’re too old to dance, you just can’t” Louis chimes, joining them in the living room. They’re waiting for Harry to get home with the food, using Darcy and Leila as their entertainment. 

It’s been a long time since the technical split of One Direction, back then, being on stage and singing to thousands of fans seemed like the only thing they could ever enjoy, only thing that would ever make them properly happy, but then, on seeing their children, so happy, so beautiful, well, yeah, this makes them pretty happy too. 

—

**If I could**   
**Take you in**   
**Feeling you deep beneath my skin**   
**Then I could**   
**Slip away**   
**With you as the poison in my veins**   
**But I don’t wanna fall asleep alone**   
**And wake up knowing I died,**   
**Without the one.**

— 

//

Liam and Joseph are setting the table for dinner when Danielle walks through the door, he can only imagine how much of a hole the dress she has purchased has made on their account, they’re just scraping as it is. 

He knows that he’s going to have to get a job, maybe even two. And so is Danielle, even though she hasn’t mentioned it herself. 

“Any luck on finding a job honey?” She asks, Liam shakes his head and says,

“No, I’m going to go and look around town tomorrow and ask some of the shops” he walks into the kitchen and pulls the chicken from the over - because yes, Liam Payne learnt how to cook - and sets it down on the dinner table. He waits until Danielle starts moaning about how he’s cooked the food, because whenever he cooks, that’s what she does. It doesn’t matter what it is, she’ll pick at something about it. He always wants to say something back, but not while Joseph’s at the table. 

He’s playing with the food on his plate, sneaking glances at Danielle’s finger, the one where the ring he brought sits almost awkwardly. He remembers the day he asked her to marry him, he doesn’t know why he asked her anymore, but he knows why he did want to marry her. He wanted to make sure that she didn’t suddenly uproot and take everything, including young Joseph with her. But now, now he wishes she had - minus Joseph - because all he wants is Zayn. And Leila. 

//

Liam tosses and he turns over in his bed, his mind refusing to go to sleep, disturbing him with old memories. The mass of curly hair beside him is splashed across the pillow, he feels selfish in wanting that hair to disappear and to suddenly turn into a short, cropped, black head of hair. Because there’s nothing more he wants than to wrap his arms around Zayn, but Zayn’s not his, not anymore, and never will be. 

And maybe Liam feels like getting up out of the bed, packing his stuff and running away to Zayn. But he doesn’t. Because he can’t, he won’t run away again, he’s done too much of that already. So he pushes the covers away from his legs and creeps out of the bedroom, checks on a sleeping Joseph, then goes down stairs to watch the television. 

//

Zayn pulls the covers over Leila and kisses her on her forehead. 

“Love you little soldier” 

—

**So tell me what I gotta do to win you over**   
**You’ll never have to wonder if you need another**   
**You’ll never have to wonder if I understand**   
**And every time you reach for me you’ll find a hand**   
**If I could**   
**I would dare**   
**Feed your dreams and starve your fears.**

—


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm all caught up! The Nextel chapter will come after Xmas, and I'm planning a one shot about the exact point that Liam left, so look out for that! 
> 
> Song - Another Change ; The Samples

The only time I feel good falling,  
is when I’m falling fast and hard for you.  
The last two digits when I’m calling,  
fade away but somehow I’ll get through.   
The only time I feel good sinking,  
is when I’m sinking fast and deep for you.  
You caught me as I was winking,  
now I think my winking days are through.

—

When Zayn wakes up in the morning, the sunlight is drenching every item in his room with a subtle, glow. The air around him is crisp, but not cold, and it whips over his bare chest. He’s in a good mood, and maybe its because he gets to see Liam today, but he feels good, and whatever the reason, that’s not bad. He sits up and stretches out his arms and his legs, letting them crack and click into correct places, making that grunting noise everyone makes almost instinctively. Zayn throws the covers away from himself and puts on his checked pajama bottoms and t-shirt and pads out of his room towards Leila’s. 

 

The dark haired girl is sitting up in her bed with a book in her hands. It was one that he’d brought back from the shop because Laney had recommended for her and she was enjoying it so far. 

“Morning soldier” he says, laying down beside her. Leila’s room was as equally bathed in sunlight as his own. He loves the way the the sunlight brushes against her caramel skin. Zayn’s always loved the colour of her skin, the perfect mix of his own and Liam’s. The way a light dusting of freckles lays across her nose, her big brown eyes glow in the dark, her eyelashes touching her cheek, and the mouth formation the same as her father, Liam. 

“Morning daddy” Leila reaches up to kiss Zayn upon the cheek, and goes back to reading her book. 

“Are you coming down for breakfast?” 

“Just after I’ve finished this chapter daddy, can I have some chocolate toast?” 

“Course you can soldier” Zayn kisses her forehead and heads down the stairs. There’s noise coming from the kitchen, meaning the boys and Darcy are already up. He trots into the kitchen, Darcy immediately launching herself at him, squealing because Niall was chasing her. 

“Uncle Zaynie save me!” Zayn picks her up and swirls her around in his arms, making her squeal even more. He carries his goddaughter/niece over to the table as she laughs in his arms, Niall sitting down and spooning the cereal into his mouth into defeat. 

“I’ll get you next time Darcy, I tell you I will” Niall winks at her and Darcy slides off of Zayn’s lap and runs all the way to Harry, pretending to hide behind his leg as he cooks breakfast. Louis walks in with his face contorted with tiredness as he rubs his eyes, the first thing he does when he enters is go over to Harry and kiss him on the cheek, whispering ‘I love you’ in his ear, making Harry roll his head into his shoulder when Louis’ breath tickles him. 

Zayn makes his coffee and a glass of orange juice for Leila, he takes a long sip from his mug and lets the bitter taste roll on his tongue. The taste reminds him of the winter mornings when he and Liam would be wrapped in the crisp sheets, limbs entangled, skin on skin. They’d roll around each other, kissing bare chests and cracked lips and cold noses. It’s a memory that Zayn used to try and banish away from his memory when it came, but he lets it, lets it play on the cinema style screen in his head as he watches Leila and Darcy compare weird shaped cheerio’s with Niall. And although Zayn’s still got this ball of sadness and hatred towards Liam in the very corner of his heart, its slowly dissolving every time Leila talks about how she’s really enjoying spending time with her daddies, and the love slowly starts to creep back into his heart. 

Louis goes off to work, but not before kissing each of them on the cheek and shouting dramatic instructions about not burning the house down like he does every Saturday morning before going to his extra drama class. Harry takes Darcy up stairs to wash and change, and Leila rushes into the living room to turn the t-v on, there’s some show on that she loves to watch and nobody - not even Niall - can stop her from watching it. The stubbornness she gets from Zayn. 

“Zayn?” 

“Yes Ni?”

“Can I come with you and Leila today?” Niall asks slowly, drawing invisible patterns on the wooden table. 

“Of course you can, but, are you sure? I mean, I’m still only getting used to the whole idea of seeing Liam again…” Zayn says, looking at his blonde haired best friend. 

“Yeah, I just. I think that at some point we’re all going to have to face him right? And without it sounding stupid or anything I think I was next closest to him after you, so I think I should be the next to see him. And I think Louis would punch him if he saw him anyway” Niall laughs at the end of his sentance. 

“Of course then. I’ll ring Liam in a sec. It’ll be nice to have you come along” Zayn smiles. 

—

Could it be another change?   
To come and rearrange,   
Why can’t you just feel the way I do?

— 

Liam holds the supermarket door open for Danielle and they saunter inside, they’ve got some shopping to do before Liam goes to see Zayn and Leila, which Danielle is still not happy with. 

“I think you should be looking for jobs today Liam” she says, picking up some washing powder and putting it in the trolley, her eyes not meeting Liam when she talks to him. 

“Well I’m visiting Zayn and Leila, but I can look for some on my way back” Liam replies. 

“But everything will be closed by the time you make your way back, knowing you anyway” 

“I promise I’ll look, Danielle” Liam ends the conversation and goes back to watching her pick up items they really don’t need and cost far too much into their trolley. Joseph is at football practice and won’t be back for another few hours, and Liam wonders whether Danielle will ever go to watch Joseph at practice. 

They surf around the isles and Liam decides to have a flick through the music section, and is almost shocked to find that both of their albums are still on sale. The memories flood back and he’s thinking about the times they spent on tour on the bus, all crammed together in one bunk watching The Notebook, all crying into each others shoulders. His memories are cut short by the sound of his phone ringing, he fishes it out of his pocket and looks at the name that’s illuminating his screen. ‘Zayn’ 

“Hello?” 

“Hey” 

“Is it ok if Niall comes with us today? He, er, wants to see you…” Liam hears Zayn say into the receiver. His heart rate speeds up, he wasn’t expecting any of them to want to see him, he though he was going to have to beg to see them. 

“Yeah sure, if that’s what he wants…” Liam says, pushing the trolley down the isles to find Danielle whose wondered off somewhere. 

“Great, er, shall we meet same place as last time?” 

“Yeah, that would be great” 

“Ok, see you later” 

“Bye Zayn” 

Liam puts his phone back into his pocket and approaches Danielle whose got a few other things that they could live without in her arms, a scowl on her face. 

“Where were you?” She hisses, throwing the items into the trolley. Liam’s stomach clenches, feeling his emotions hit rock bottom. He’s had it with Danielle’s mood swings and nasty comments. He wants to scream and he wants to cry at the same time. But he swallows down the million words in his mouth and just mumbles an incoherent reply and follows Danielle to the tills. 

The bill will make Liam have nightmares at night, and he knows he needs to get a job soon, or like he thought before, more than one. They load the stuff into the car in silence and Liam drives home, making sure they’re home quickly so he’s not late to meet Zayn, Leila, and Niall. 

“What time are you going out?” Danielle asks as they carry the shopping into the house. 

“In about half an hour” 

“And when will you be back?” 

“In a few hours, I don’t know” Liam answers, busying himself with arranging the cans in the cupboard. Danielle doesn’t say anything else, but Liam hears her sniff an leave the room. He does feel a little guilty about how he’s been acting the past few days, he’s so caught up in trying to win Zayn and Leila over, he’s forgetting about his priorities at home, like his fiance and his not so son. He sighs heavily and finishes putting the shopping away on his own and keeps checking the clock. By the time he’s finished he should be leaving. He puts the carrier bags in the cupboard even though he knows next time they go shopping he’ll forget them and have to pay for more. 

He shouts up the stairs to Danielle, “I’m going now” 

“Ok” is all he gets in reply, he sighs and pulls his coat on and heads out of the door. He walks towards the park that he, Zayn and Leila know about. As usual Liam’s the first one there, and he sits on the bench, the same bench he told Zayn he still loved him that day they first saw each other on, and waits. 

—

You can’t love no one  
You can’t love something  
You can’t love nothing  
You can’t love anything  
till you can love yourself  
till you can love yourself  
love yourself.

— 

**Author's Note:**

> so, i have seven chapters of this already written. it's also on my tumblr! (zorgasm, or as previously known as ziamhoney) so if its familiar, you know why. :-)


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